This is the Beginning, This is the End

by kHo

season 4 fic

Fandom: Smallville
Title: This is the Beginning, This is the End Rated: PG-13
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Notes: Set in season 4. I think right after Transference. For some reason, that's where it falls in my head, though there are no direct spoilers.

[ this is the beginning, this is the end ] by kHo

It's late, and he actually doesn't have to be home at all, because his parents don't know he was never going to Chloe's. He felt guilty at first, because he doesn't like lying to them, but they're the ones who taught him how and somehow that justifies it in his head. Because the thing is, if his Dad didn't hate Lex as much as he did, he wouldn't have needed to lie.

Except maybe he would have, because he's seen this coming for so long. He's seen it coming probably from day one, on that river bank looking down into those eyes, those eyes that seem to see right through him, right through anything, even if he hadn't known what to call it. He still doesn't know exactly what to call it. Love? Worship? Adoration? Lust? Obsession?

And really, it's all so very innocent. All so very normal, so run of the mill. Him laying on the couch watching Die Hard with his best friend. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing untoward. Except, in his head, he knows it is. He knows it's wrong, wrong for so many reasons, what could happen. What might happen. What he wants, so very badly, to happen. He knows it will happen, because it's been building, and he's finally giving into it.

But he doesn't know how to do this, he doesn't know how to make it go from looks and touches and almost to actuality. He doesn't know, but he thinks he can figure it out. He thinks if he can just hold those eyes longer than he has in the past, if he can just smile in a certain way when Lex meets his eyes after that too long sweep from head to toe that makes it hard for him to breathe. If he can just get Lex to understand that he knows what's happening, that he's okay with it, that the wants it too. If he can do it without having to say it.

The opportunity comes about halfway through the movie, when Clark's feeling sleepy and lazy and hazy, and he scoots down the couch and rests his head on Lex's leg. He didn't even know that would be sexy, not when he made the move, because really he just wanted somewhere to lay his head. Really he just wanted to be close to Lex, in any way possible, and he hoped maybe Lex would be okay with this. When his hand curls lightly around Lex's leg and he hears Lex's breath catch, that's when he knows. This is how it'll happen.

He's not even watching the movie anymore, he's too far inside his head, too confused, too restless, but he remains still. He flexes his fingers, testing, and closes his eyes when Lex breathes in slowly, almost too calmly, through is nose. He lets out a breath when Lex's fingers start shifting through his hair, and his hand tightens on Lex's leg just slightly, his nails digging in just a little bit. Lex's fingers still, like he thinks Clark wants him to stop, like he thinks maybe Clark's uncomfortable, so Clark strokes his thumb across Lex's leg slowly. Hopes Lex knows he's telling him it's okay, I want this. I want you, just like this, forever.

He almost falls flat on his face when Lex stands, abruptly and without warning, his head hitting the couch in Lex's absence as the panic starts to set in. He blinks and shifts, looking up at him, ready to apologize, but the panic in Lex's eyes stops him cold. "L... Lex?"

"You should..." Lex stops and he swallows, and Clark thinks to himself that if he didn't know Lex as well as he did, he might not know Lex was two seconds away from a meltdown. The only place it shows is in his eyes. "Clark. You should go home."

"No," he says, and it's really surprising to him how forceful his voice is. How certain he sounds. He's almost more surprised at the fact that he actually is that certain.

Lex blinks and finally looks down at him, his whole face screwing up in confusion, and Clark almost laughs, because Lex has the best poker face he's ever seen and it's failing him right now. "What?"

Clark levers himself up on his elbow, reaching out and grabbing Lex's leg, his fingers wrapping around his knee, and he doesn't pull so much as he holds him in place. "Lex."

"You should go home, Clark," Lex whispers, and he's out of breath, and Clark's never been more certain than he is right now that he's not going home tonight.

Clark smiles up at him, and it's his regular old smile, the one that shows all of his teeth, exposing even the canine's that he's always hated, that he's always thought make him look like a vampire, but the flash of something on Lex's face makes him think maybe he doesn't need to smile a certain way. Maybe Lex doesn't want him to smile any other way than the way he is right now. He runs his thumb over Lex's knee, and it's not that sexy really, because knees don't have that much appeal for him, but it's Lex's knee and it's all he can reach right now, so it'll do. "I know, Lex."

Lex blinks at him again, dumbfounded, and this time Clark really does laugh. "Know what."

"What those looks are," Clark says, ad he wonders when his voice dipped like that. Wonders why he can't catch his breath. Wonders why it took him so damn long to realize that it was always Lex that did that to him and not Lana, like he would have thought it would have been. "Why you can never meet my eyes when I wear a t-shirt that doesn't really fit me anymore."

Lex looks away, and Clark's grin grows. "Clark--"

"You think you know me so well, Lex," he says, letting go of Lex's leg so he can sit up, reaching up and resting his hand on Lex's hips, marveling at the fact that all the fear, all the trepidation he'd felt two minutes ago is somehow gone. "But there's something you haven't figured out, Lex, and it's something I would have thought you'd have figured out before I did."

Lex has his eyes shut, like he can't bear to look at Clark right now, and he swallows heavily. Clark watches his Adam's apple bob over it and has to force himself to swallow the moan he feels building in his throat. "And what's that," Lex asks, his voice tight, almost angry sounding.

So Clark looks up at him and patiently waits for Lex's eyes to open and meet his. When they do he loops his index fingers into Lex's belt loops and tugs just slightly. Not enough to pull him forward, not enough to do anything really, but enough for Lex to feel it. "I want you too."

And he's not sure if Lex falls to his knees or if he lowers himself slowly to the ground, but Lex is eyelevel with him now, his hands on Clark's knees, wide, astonished eyes looking into his unblinkingly. "You... Clark, you--"

It's so easy to lift his hand and touch Lex's cheek, like he's some breakable thing, like he has to be careful to not crack him as he brushes his thumb over his cheek. He's never really seen Lex as vulnerable, but now, right now, he looks so fragile. "Want, Lex," he whispers, looking into his eyes and leaning forward, not touching him, but almost. Almost. "I want you too, Lex."

He thinks Lex has more questions, thinks he's going to negotiate with him, make sure Clark really knows what he's doing, what he's saying, but Lex just lets out a sound that makes Clark's toes curl and kisses him. His fingers digging into Clark's knees like he's afraid Clark's going to stand up, like he thinks Clark's going to leave him.

His tongue forces its way into Clark's mouth and then his hand is lifting into Clark's hair and Clark thinks if he were anyone else, if he were human, this would hurt. Lex, pulling his hair, and it doesn't hurt, because he's Clark, but someone else. Someone else it would hurt. To Clark though, it feels like the only thing to do, to lean his head back as Lex pulls, let his fingers trace down Lex's neck as his tongue dips into the hollow of Clark's neck.

"Wanted this for so long," Lex is saying against his neck, pushing closer to him, nuzzling into him, hands in his hair and curling around the back of his neck. "God, Clark, so fucking long--"

And it feels good, that tongue on his throat, but Clark wants it inside his mouth, so he wraps his fingers around Lex's head and pulls it up to look at him, smiling and letting his eyes fall on Lex's lips. "Me too," he says, and then he's kissing him again and he thinks fuck that room. Fuck that room, with all his deep dark secrets on display, because that's not real. This is real. That was the past, this was the future.

Because Lex won't need that room when he tells him. Lex will destroy all evidence, every thing that anyone's ever collected on him, when he tells him. Lex will destroy anything and anyone that comes between them because Clark's his now, and Lex doesn't share. He thinks maybe that should scare him, except he feels that too. He feels that need to protect, that need to covet, that need to hold tight. That need to own.

So Clark decides, right then, right there, that this will be the beginning, this will be the end. This will be them, for better, for worse.

Because it's been building to this from the moment they met, and he's tired of denying that.

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