Fear & Anger

by kHo

future fic, takes place after the inevitable rift that Clark and Lex will eventually have

Fear, a fear so deep that it leaves him shaking, is coursing through his veins. His hands are pinned to the wall, a body pressing into his, and the eyes looking at him are so full of betrayal that he can't even look at them. Brute force is the last thing he should be afraid of, but then again, it's not the force he's afraid of, is it? No, the thing he's afraid of are the eyes looking back at him in anger and regret and pain.

"God damnit, Clark," Lex yells, his nostrils flaring. "You just can't be honest with me, can you!"

Clark flinches and Lex's fingers loosen their grip on Clark's wrists. But that wasn't the problem, that's not why he was flinching. Lex holds no physical power over him. If Clark wanted to, if he needed to, he could get Lex off of him in less than a second. He could break Lex in half, if that's what it came down to.


"No," Lex yells, his fingers tightening again, but Clark knows he doesn't mean it. He knows that this is hard enough to bruise; this is hard enough to hurt a normal human being. He's not either of those things, not normal, not human, but Lex doesn't know that. Lex is holding him there hard enough to hurt, but he doesn't mean it, because he doesn't even know what he's doing right now. Clark knows that, but it still scares him. "Don't. Don't open your fucking mouth if you're just gonna tell me another one of your fucking lies!"

"I don't want to lie to you," Clark whispers, shaking his head and trying to look in Lex's eyes. It hurts him more than anything, but he catches his glare and doesn't look away. "I don't."

Lex looks like he wants to believe him, he looks like he almost does, but Lex is too smart for that. He knows too much, he's seen too much. Not of Clark, no, Clark's never let him, but of humanity. Of his father's lies and deceit. He's seen too many carefully constructed truths come tumbling down by the dozen to believe anything anymore.

"Then why do you," he hisses, leaning in closer, and Clark almost feels like his eyes are made of Kryptonite because he doesn't feel like he could move even if he wanted to. "Why do you lie to me, over, and over, and over again, if you don't want to? Can you just not help it? Do you not realize they're lies? Are you that stupid?!"

"I... have... to..." Clark says slowly, trying to tell Lex with his eyes that this is the truth; it's the only truth he can give him. "I'm sorry."

Lex is shaking his head though, because Clark's lied enough for him to have lost most if not all of his faith in him. That hurts him more than it should, because it's not like he doesn't deserve it, it's not like he doesn't understand where it's coming from. He /has/ lied, it's just not his fault that he had to. "Is there nothing I wouldn't do for you? Is there something I've done to make you not believe in our friendship?"

Clark's eyes widen, because he's always thought maybe this is why Lex hated his lies so much, but it's so far from what's true that he still kind of can't believe it. "No. No, Lex. I believe."

Lex is breathing through his nose, and Clark's never seen him this angry before. He knows where it's coming from, it's coming from pain, but it still scares him that he caused this. It still scares him that, because of his lies, Lex has become this person that he is standing before him. "I don't lie to you, Clark. I don't understand why you can't extend me the same courtesy."

"There's nothing about myself I wouldn't tell you if I could, Lex," Clark says, blinking as he feels a tear fall out of his eye. He takes a deep breath and tries to will them to stop, but they've already started, and he's never been good at keeping himself in check when it comes to this. "Nothing. But I can't. Not this."

Lex is deflating a little now, his grip is softening, his frown is fading. He's looking in Clark's eyes and then he's letting go of Clark's wrist and his thumb is wiping away his tears. "Don't cry," he whispers, looking down at Clark's cheek and wiping them away as fast as they come. "Please, Clark. I didn't mean to make you cry."

"There's this part of me that I can't share with anyone," Clark whispers, his breath catching when Lex looks up at him. "This part of me I can't talk about, not to anyone. No matter how much I want to, no matter how much I love them. But everything else? Everything else is yours, Lex. Everything."

"Mine," Lex asks, raising an eyebrow, his hand cupping Clark's cheek softly. "What's mine? Your lies? Your deception? Because if I don't have your trust--"

"You have my trust, Lex," Clark says desperately, wanting to take him by the shoulders and shake him. Instead he lifts his hand and curls his fingers around Lex's. "But this isn't about trust."

"What are you afraid of, Clark," Lex asks, concern overshadowing the anger his eyes had held moments before. "If you just tell me, I can protect you."

"I'm afraid of losing the people I love," Clark says, his voice wobbling as he closes his eyes. "Of what they'll think of me, how they'll look at me. I can't tell you this, I can't tell anyone."

"You're not going to lose me."

"You can't say that," Clark says, opening his eyes and shaking his head. "You don't know that."

"Clark, don't you get it," Lex says, and he's smiling but Clark can see the tears behind his eyes. "You're what keeps me sane. You're what makes me good. I'll never leave you."

Clark takes a deep breath and looks him in the eyes. "Even if I never tell you this?"

Lex looks at him and sighs, his thumb stroking over Clark's cheek in slow arcs. "Not even if you never tell me this."

Clark smiles and tightens his grip on Lex's hand. "I'm sorry, Lex."

Lex nods, his eyes drifting down Clark's face and then sliding back up to his eyes. "I know."

"Everything else is yours, but I just can't... I can't."

"Shhh," Lex says, smiling softly and stretching his index finger over Clark's lips. "Though, I do have a question."

Clark raises his eyebrow, and mumbles across Lex's finger. "What?"

Lex's smile turns a little dangerous and his eyes glitter menacingly at Clark. "You said you'd tell me the truth on anything else, correct?"

Clark feels the fear seeping back into him, but this time it's okay. This time it's familiar. This is the kind of fear that's mixed with hope. "Yeah."

"You said you were afraid of losing the people you loved," Lex said, his finger sliding down Clark's cheek. "I'm included in that list?"

Clark looks at him and swears to himself to not hide behind that fear. "You're at the top of that list, Lex."

Lex bites his lip then and he bends his head forward. His finger is hovering over Clark's mouth and then it's tracing down his neck and lacing through his hair. "You love me," Lex asks softly, finally looking back up at him, and his cocksure smirk is tempered only by the trepidation in his eyes.

The fear is being replaced by the hope now and Clark can barely stand still. He can feel Lex's fingers flexing against his scalp and warmth spreads through him at the knowledge that this is the moment he's been waiting for since he met him. "More than you kn--"

Lex's mouth is on his before he can even finish and he breaks off in a moan, sliding his hand down Lex's arm to his back, pulling him forward up against him. He'd always known Lex wasn't the type to waste time so he's not surprised that Lex's tongue is in his mouth only seconds later. There's a fire spreading through him and he wraps both his arms around Lex and pulls him tight against him, mewling lightly as he feels Lex's hard-on pressing into his thigh. He spreads his fingers across Lex's back, tracing them down and feeling the smooth muscle underneath the thin white button-down shirt.

It feels right, and good, and like everything he thought it would, except in the back of his mind he knows things just got complicated.

Because of Lex Luther got that angry with a friend betraying him, how angry would he be with a lover?

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